The least important person in the world...

I've been struggling with so much. I've been pondering staying off of my blog until I get my head straight, but I had my psycological assessment on Friday for my sleeve surgery and now I'm just stuck in my thoughts. I'm all kinds of messed up right now. I'll probably end up just jumping all over the place, but I'll try to keep it understandable.

Well, my last post was probably one of the last times I was feeling ok for more that just a day or two. I did successfully lose 10 pounds. Immediately following that loss I completely fell off the wagon.

My dad's health continued to deteriorate, and he was in and out of the hospital in August. Things just kept getting worse due to his disease and overall health being so poor. It was a very difficult time for me and my family. My dad, Jim passed away on September 7th.

Since my 10lb loss in August I've managed to gain all the way back up to 240lbs.

I'm looking forward to having my revision surgery, and hoping to make it happen before the end of February.

I've been so up and down with my mood, I've sometimes used alcohol to cope, but mostly I've used food. My attitude has been "I don't care". Though as much as I try not to care I really do. I want to be healthy and happy and feel like I matter. Being fat has made it really easy for me to sit in the shadows and feel sorry for myself and not try to help myself get better and feel better. Some of you who have lost weight know the difference between how you are treated as a fat person and as a "normal"size person. I almost liket the anonymity that my fatness brings. People don't want to be friends with a fat person, fat people aren't fun or smart or capable of doing what the average size person can do. At least that is what it seems by the way I am treated. here is the part that makes me so. very. sad. It is my freinds and family who make me feel this way.

In my psyc. eval on Friday I had a bit of an a-ha! momemt. I've always known that I have issues with abandonment. I've never met my biological father- though not for lack of trying. He simply refused to acknowledge that I exist or that there is any possiblity that I am his child. When I was 12 my mom and step dad, Terry (the only dad I ever knew, he was there since I was an infant) separated and divorced. It was a big surprise to me. My parents were the kind that did thier fighting behind closed doors. So one day my mom said "girls, we are leaving, go pack up your clothes". And we left, while my dad was at work. We didn't get to see our dad Terry for about 2 years because we moved 2 states away and we were poor. Too poor to fly to see dad during vacations from school. Too poor to even drive there to see him. I don't even remember being able to talk on the phone. We returned to Oregon and finally got to visit. Dad (Terry) came to see us about four times, but my mom had moved on and was back together with my sister's biological dad (complicated story). Anyway  after a few fun visits dad said to us that he couldn't come visit us anymore- it was too hard for him to see mom with someone else (Jim). And that was it. That was the last time I saw him for a long time- about 20 years. My mom and my new step dad Jim (my sister's dad) were happy together. Things were going fine. I thought about seeing my dad Terry but didn't know where to find him. I did't want to bother him with the pain of seeing us but each day, month and year my heart was breaking just a little more.  Why wasn't I important/special/good enough for him to see me? To be in my life? Stuff it down into my belly. That's what I did.

Jim, my sister's dad and my step dad for the last 20 years was a good person, but my mom was so wrapped up in making him happy and thier life together I often just felt like the outsider looking in. I find it difficult to explain. When I was a junior in high school, about half way through the school year they decided they wanted to live on a boat- exciting right? not so much for me. The boat they planned to purchase was small and wooded and needed a lot of work. It's not like our family had money to burn. They didn't even own a home. Not sure where the money to fix the boat was going to come from. My sister and I refused to go with them. We each went to stay with firends so that we could finish high school. More abandonment feelings- why would this boat project be more important that us? It didn't seem like they even thought twice about leaving us behind. On my own, that is how I get things done. Finishing high school ranked in the top 10 of my graduating class (actually #10). Getting scholarships, applying for college, MAKING it through college. All four years. All me. I hated it when my mom (or anyone in my family for that matter)would tell me how proud she was of me, she had no idea what I was doing or how hard it was, how sad, lonely, and angry I felt all the time. I felt like she never even tried to help me with any of it. Anyway, I made it. I got done with school and I got a job. So again I had to do it all by myself- I had to move 4 hours away for this job. I had to find a place to live and I did. I did it all by myself again. I did get to see my dad Terry again- I searched and found him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, how important he is to me, he is still my dad! It was great to see him (twice in the past 4 years). But still limited, I get cards (sent by his new wife but he does sign them too) and an occasional call. I call him, most of the time he doesn't answer so I just leave a message.

I remember when I was a little kid, feeling important. Feeling like I mattered to someone. I haven't felt important since I was 12 years old. I am second string. The fall back option, you know when there isn't something better available. Even now, something or someone else is always more important than me. My friends don't come see me, I go see them. People don't offer to drive 4 hours to come see the home and life I have established here, instead they admonish me "...you NEED to come see me! You never come to see ME anymore!". Um, yeah. ditto. You never have been to my home, you have never been to my work, you have never done anything for me that you expect me to do for you. That just isn't right.

I don't really feel like I have many friends these days, I feel alone. I've been dealing with the loss of my step dad, I've been depressed/moodly and it is hard to reach out to people when what you really need is for someone to reach out to you. I don't feel like I'm even that important to my husband lately. Nothing traumatic going on like fighting or meaness- but nothing special either. I'm trying to find a way to address it with him. I tried to talk about this on Friday- but our conversation went elsewhere...

So I guess I don't know what the purpose of this is but there it is. My biggest struggle and I still feel sad, lonely and angry, almost all of the time.

I'll be back soon to talk about progress towards the sleeve. I have to take a break now...