I'm all alone with my thoughts...

I'm having a little bit of insomnia at the moment, I'm sure it has nothing to do with my husband snoring in my ear, lol. 


So, I though it would be a good time for me to sit down and get some of my thoughts out of my head that have been bouncing around for the last few days. 


Last week, (Thursday) I had my third visit with Dr. Julie since having my band removed. 


At my last appointment we celebrated my 3 pound loss... at this appointment I'm pretty sure I gained those 3lbs back and there was no celebration of loss, we actually didn't really talk about my weight much, I knew that I was back up from my last visit, it has been fluctuating like crazy and I took a few food and alcohol liberties to "celebrate" my triathlon finish. So we moved on.  


I really appreciate the fact that I have Dr. Julie, you see she is a band patient her self and she has been very open about her band journey and the fact that it has been less than perfect. I guess this is one of the reasons I feel so comfortable talking to her and letting my guard down too- and by that I mean crying about losing my band. Yep. Me and crying it is a pattern these days. Dr. Julie really helped me put things into perspective this time around- losing my band was traumatic and unexpected- much like any of the other traumatic losses we may encounter in our lifetime, so it is natural to go through a period of grievance. It is perfectly normal and okay to be emotional about having my band removed. Now some of you at this point are saying things like "duh!" and "wow, she must not be a very good counselor if she can't even figure that one out"... but I guess I have never mourned the loss of something that wasn't living- my band, just a little plastic and silicone thingy filled with saline- not living. I was stuck in this mind set that if I get emotional about it people are going to think I'm crazy. Let me revise that, people who don't have a band will think I am crazy- I think once you have the tool you really understand that feeling of it being a part of you. Anyway, what I got from our talk about me being sad and not being able to talk about it with out crying is that it is OKAY! I'm not crazy for feeling this tremendous grief, for crying, for randomly being moody and sad or grouchy, or even for feeling like giving up. As a matter of fact, the more I thought about it that day and even since I feel more normal and more okay with this emotional roller coaster I've been riding. 


One of the things that I mentioned in a previous post after my band was removed was that I am not really so scared of gaining, but more so of NOT losing any more. I really have felt stuck at this 190 something range for the past year and a couple of months- I kept asking my self "what if this is it?, what if there is not a lower number for me? will I be stuck here forever?" I guess the reason I got so scared is because I know I have this goal set. 150 my big goal. I have a secret, but I will share. I never have set a life goal and not met it. Really. I set my mind to do something and I don't stop until it happens- maybe this is why I never set a goal weight in previous attempts to lose weight. I don't set my self up for failure. I set attainable goals- with my band 150 almost seemed like a joke (especially for the first 8 months when I was losing fast!).  With out my band 150 seems like it is on another planet- and in case you didn't notice I'm not an astronaut!  I don't even know what it was that we talked about that got me thinking about this, but when I left the office I was driving home and I reminded myself that I always find a way to reach my goals- I am not a quitter, and I have never taken no for an answer. Why have I been so quick to give in, to feel defeated, and to let the thought of reaching my goal slip away? I don't know what happened to my brain the last two months, how my way of thinking could change so drastically- it just doesn't make sense to me right now. What I do know is that I have acknowledged the fact that my confidence was shaken, that I lost hope for a moment, that I became doubtful of my own ability to succeed and now it is time to move forward. Time to cross the finish line, to reach the goal that I set out so carefully before myself.  The one that I am more than half way to achieving-thank you very much! It might not be a sprint to the finish, but I'm not giving in or giving up.


Of course I was pretty down that day so I called my pal Maria. Thank goodness for friends like Maria. Just when I started feeling this big disconnect from all of my lap band peeps (not that anyone has done anything but be very supportive through this ordeal, my head has been completely messed up for the last two months), there she is- comforting, reassuring, kicking me in the ass.... We had a long talk and I felt so much better after getting off the phone. A little bit more motivated to really listen to my self, to trust myself more, to just sit back and take it all in (and if I feel sad that is okay), mostly I just felt ready to regroup and pull myself back together.  Bringing the focus back to my journey is just what I need to do right now. I'm in it to win it you know! 


Dr. Julie told me that she has been so grateful to have me as a patient because I have given her so much good information and insight that she has been able to use in her practice (she specializes in women's health, weight loss and working with bariatric patients). After our first meeting she said she went in for an adjustment because she had been too tight for a while, just kind of in denial about it. After hearing about my erosion she went in and had an unfill. She also told me that she had a really frank talk with another patient (sharing my story of losing the band) who was also in denial about being too tight- when that patient went to the band surgeon she found out that if she would have waited any longer she would have had some major complications and likely had her band removed too! Dr. Julie also said that she (and her daughter) recently had a violent case of food poisoning and that she was so thankful her band is still empty because she got extremely ill with vomiting and she is sure she would have slipped her band had there been any fluid in it. I am so glad that I have at least been able to help someone else avoid losing a band- kind of by coincidence, but still everything happens for a reason. Something about my story has motivated two people to take better care of their band. I am happy for that. I was sad to hear from Dr. Julie that she was meeting with a patient later that day who also just had a band removed- I don't know why, but I suspect it was erosion or a slip. I mentioned that it was very upsetting to me when people would try to be supportive and convince me that I "could do it on my own" that I didn't NEED my lap band. I felt like they just didn't understand and I didn't find it comforting at all ( I DO understand the good intention and it is appreciated). I would have rather had someone just say "wow, it must be so overwhelming and scary to go through all of this". I'm appreciative of the support that I've gotten and continue to get. I guess I just wish that I would have been allowed to be sad (I'm talking about people outside of blogland, people with out a band who, generally would not understand why I would be going through a period of mourning my loss, of course the sisterhood "gets it"). So anyway I guess my point is that I was grateful to hear that something good could come from my bad experience/loss.


Well, I guess I'm just rambling now, getting a little sleepy too. I think my next post will just be a picture post since this one was so wordy and long winded. It feels good to get it out there though. I have a long way to go on this road ahead of my, I just passed a fork in the road that took me in a different direction than I expected- but I don't believe for a second that it is a dead end. I think the path I'm on now will lead me to the place I'm meant to be.


loves to you all, thank you so much for being the ones who do understand when all of this craziness is going on inside me- I am so excited about Chicago! BOOB's!! oh yeah!